Hello this is Emma from Chudik(?). I'm on a Tube train. I'm seven months pregnant. Let see was like someone ___ toe truck on my bladder and not one bloody man as get up from his sit. One person did guess what, it was a women, thank you very much ___ and I would like the fibrater(?) follow in the ___ Thank you, Bye.
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Hello, we may have missed the Station on assignment but for some reason the train has just pulled out at the Sub Train Station as for about 20 mins. There was no message from the driver. He's bloody rubbish. This is Dave from Savitone(?) in Sowick(?). Bye.
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Hello, my name is Nick. I'm at Milford Station and once again there's no sign of a train and I'm feeling pretty cold and depressed. This is Nick in Milford, in Surrey. Thank you.
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Hello, this is Cloe, I'm I am getting the train from Richmond to Clarkem(?) Junction. I'm heavily pregnant and not I person here has got up to offer me a seat except of course another woman. Isn't that typical, if I win a price, I would like one of those women's books please. This is Cloe and I'm from Richmond. Thank you bye.
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Hello. I wonder if you can help me. My name is Alistair and I lost a CD the other day on the train. This CD had lots of important information when it had 15M records of people's personal information. I desperately need it back and I'm in a bit of trouble at work and my boss is gonna get a lot of flak at Prime Minister's question time. I was just wondering if anyone's found my CD if they could hand it in please. I'm desperate. My name is Alistair and I'm phoning from Westminster. Ok. Thank you.
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"Scarlet makes Cosmo look like a Methodist prayer book" -The Evening Standard,
Scarlet is packed with hot semi-naked men, true confessions, forthright sex features, lingerie to lust over and erotic literature (aptly named Cliterature).
It's the first magazine catering to female sexuality in the same way that men's magazines have been looking after the boys for years.
It's a lot more subtle and sophisticated than any men's magazines (not that we read that stuff) so it's ideal reading for everyone. Except the under 18s.The Victoria line is not working. I only found out when I went out down to the Victoria line at Folkswole(?). And that the tube wasn't working. Why they couldn't have told us all before for adopt the train, I don't know. I did hear some are mumbling something in a very strong West African Accent which I assume is they're warning me about Victoria landing closed. It could be nice if you could have told us before hand clearly. Just dreadful. This is Ken Young from Chilek(?). Thank you. Bye.
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Hello my name is Velerian(?). I was travelling, well trying to travel from Winston Junction to Kingston yesterday but at Richmond they added about 1 hr and a half to my journey with a replacement bus service. What a joke. This would never happen in my Country. Your trains are rubbish. My name is Velerian(?). I leave in Wembley. Goodbye.
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Hello I've just been told about your site and your ranked line. I think it's very silly but Transport for London we run a world class train service which is the envy of the world. How on earth can anyone complain about our trains. They are fit for purpose and tailor made for the 21st Century. Thank you. No I don't want my ___ silly prices either. Thank you. Mine is Ken and I work for Transport for London. Goodbye.
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My name is Jennet, I edit a National Newspaper. So I don't really have time to get the train I get cars all the time, I don't do waiting but I did get good show the other day and I was very impressed with all politeness of the working class people but if you go South to the river the paper are very blend and very boring I don't do boring. My name is Jennet and I don't want any of those books, oh please. Goodbye.
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Hello my name is Jeremy. Now listen here I don't like trains I don't even think they should even be running I want a car everyone knows I love cars but we're making a program and I'm going to get the train and I am going to enjoy it now I'm surprised these trains are actually quite good the ones from Waterloo out to Reading they're very very fast and good service but you'll never get me out of my car I'm sorry I don't want to travel with other smelly useless people and turn up 2 days late for every meeting so keep your trains I'm sticking with a car ok bye.
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Hello. Yeah. My name is Kelvin. And I want to make a cake for defending we were ___ gaurds(?) there is a particularly unpleasant individual on my train and he's got his feet on the seats. Now I think this bloke should be dealt with. But I'm one to do it myself because you know what could happen on a train with a horrible little oik like this but the train gaurds(?) have to deal with them and I think we should applaud them. This little geek should be thrown up the train and fined. I don't want his filthy feet all over my seat but thank you. This is Kelvin I'm on my way back from ___ on the train to ___ going down to Surrey. Thank you.
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Hello, my name is Louie. Can I say something positive for a change? I know this service seems to be all about complaining about poor railway workers. But I think they do a good job, well the man that's in Pancrise(?) who just helped me with my bags, he's very good, and he's very helpful. So well done. If I win I would like a copy of girl with a one track mind by Abby Lee. Thank you very much. This is Louie and I live in Sampton(?) in Surrey. Ok.
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Hello this is Damien. I'm from Cobham in Surrey. At the moment I'm at Wilston Junction. What a bloody dump. This really is the arsehole of the world. It's funny people say Croyden is bad but bloody hell you wanna sling an eyeball around Wilsdon. What? I've never seen so many knuckle dragging people in my life and the architectures dull. Everything's filthy. All these stupid little gits with their trousers hanging half way down their arses and that's just the railway guards. This is awful. I can't wait to get out of here. I'm never coming back to this dump and Silverland(?) trains aren't fucking up to much either. Ok I would like the Bluetooth handset if I win. This is Damien from Cobham. C O B H A M. Thank you.
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Hello, listen, my name is Imogen. I live Tedington(?) and I am the global communications director for a very big phone company and you are really pissing me off with your dreadful service. By the way, why are you allowed to fine people £10 if they don't have a ticket and yet your trains are always late we can't fine you, we don't get a refund, this is dreadful. Ok this is Imogen from Tedington(?) and I want one of those rather saucy books that you sell. Thank you.
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Hello, this is Malcolm. I'm really confused there is no information at all on the replacement bus service replacement bus service. Anyway hardly the 3 service words in the English language. Before I went I want to win the vibrator please. Thank you.
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Hello, listen, this is Sharlene from Ecton. Yeah, so I'm from New Zealand and I can't believe this fucking train is here. That's so bloody awful. Hey, you know, there's a guy that gets the train Ecton Central, he's quite a good looking guy. If you're reading this, he looks like a Kiwi. Get it touch Sharlene. Yeah I read the book, the girl with a one track mind. Ok, bye.
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If you’re the Ranter of the Day, you could win....
Straight up And Dirty, by Stephanie Klein
Beneath the wisecracking tales of solo supermarket shopping, phone therapy, the raw emotion about her divorce and nightmare mother-in-law rings true Marie Claire
When Stephanie Klein hit her twenty-fourth birthday she thought she had everything she could possibly have wanted from life: a good job, a successful husband, a Manhattan apartment and a baby on the way.
By the time she hit thirty it was all gone; her husband and her baby lost. She was left to start again with a whole new life and an entirely depleted cast of characters. Her only company was her 'Furkid' (the small brown dog she now shared a bed with). Her friend told her to get out dating again and to employ the sandwich principle - keep one man on either side, and enjoy the interesting one in-between. So she set off, with much trepidation and wardrobe anxiety, to discover single sex all over again...
The weblog she kept of her new found freedom and sexual adventures became a sensation in the States. Her brilliantly funny, acerbic descriptions of love, life and dating bought her press and acclaim. Straight up and Dirty is Stephanie's funnier than comedy, truer than romance, sexier than fiction account of her journey.
The fearless Stephanie Klein makes Sex in the City look passe. Outrageous, outspoken and always honest, she is looking for love, with a cocktail in her hand Independent
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.
Hello my name is Cloe. I am from Wimbledon. My message is really addressed to the man who is on my cheap carriage heading up towards Southfields. Listen I smiled at you because I thought you were a simpleton. I don't fancy you so please if you ever see me on train again don't come anywhere near me I'm a tiny little man. Ok this is Bin Cloe from Wimbledon. I would quite like the love honey present please. Thank you.
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Plantronics Explorer 340 Headset
Dictate the best rant of the day and you could win.......
a stylish Explorer 340.
It’s ideal for the casual user.
And for the ranting nutter on the train who doesn’t want people to realise he’s talking to himself!
The Plantronics Explorer 340 is a sleek, lightweight headset that fuses Bluetooth wireless technology with effortless call control for a true hands-free experience. The Explorer 340 headset is easy to use and incorporates all call features—volume, answer/end call, last-number redial, and voice-activated dialling—into one single button. Delivering up to eight hours of talk time, the Explorer 340 provides the convenience you want and the mobility you need to suit your busy, active lifestyle
Normally it costs £29.99 if you get it from Amazon.co.uk, Dabs.com, Dixons and most mobile phone retailers.
But you can get it from us, if you make us laugh.
Your phone number will NOT be published.
Click here www.plantronics.com for more
About Plantronics
In 1969, a Plantronics headset carried the historic first words from the moon: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Since then, Plantronics has become the headset of choice for mission-critical applications such as air traffic control, 911 dispatch, and the New York Stock Exchange. Today, this history of Sound Innovation™ is the basis for every product we build for the office, contact center, personal mobile, entertainment and residential markets. The Plantronics family of brands includes Plantronics, Altec Lansing, Clarity, and Volume Logic. For more information, go to www.plantronics.com or call 0800 410014.
Altec Lansing, Clarity, Plantronics, Plantronics Discovery, Plantronics Explorer, Sound Innovation, and Volume Logic are trademarks or registered trademarks of Plantronics, Inc. The Bluetooth® word mark and logos are owned by the Bluetooth SIG, Inc. and any use of such marks by Plantronics, Inc. is under license. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
This is Nobby from Crystal Palace. Just on train at Victoria it's only 4 carriages so we are all packed in like bloody sardines. Wyatt what? Listen mate I have moved down the carriage as far as I can. Oh Wyatt. Oh yeah, you want some do yah? Do you want it know? Look shut it I'm on the phone shut it. This is Nobby from Crystal Palace I would like the Plants Honetts(?) headset please. Ok bye.
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Hello. My name is Sophie and I work in the City. And this is a message to a little irritating little boy who was on my Docklands railway train this morning. Listen there sunshine I work in the City and I could have a little boy like you for breakfast. So if you ever start kicking off on a train with your little trouser half way down your sody(?) ass I'm gonna pull your pants down and smack your little bottom. Do you understand? Now piss off. This has been Sophie from Docklands. Bye bye.
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Hello, my name is Nicola. I work in PLR, in Shepherd's Bush, Shepherd's Bush that is. Oh, I've had a bloody awful day dealing with bloody journalists, they're such ___. Now, I'm at Shepherd's Bush station, and there's no bloody trains for ages, and there's nobody to ask. Yes, 1 person ___ this platform. We got to that platform, is this the right platform? No, I'll send you over the other one. It's a bloody nightmare, I'm so fed up. It's such a bad day, this is the last thing I need. Well, I hope I win the prize. If I win the prize, I want maybe the Panasonic headset. Thank you.
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Hello, this is Ken, Ken young from Turnem(?) Green, listen can you hear this bloke shouting in the back ground, can you hear that, listen to him you wouldn't think that mobile phones have got microphones, he might as well just put it down and shout to ___ whoever is he's talking too, what an arse why the people like that always have to sit near me on a bloody train, guilt where on earth is my train by the way. I need to get to Richmond, can anyone help. This is Ken from Turnem(?) Green and I claim my prize. I would the Lexmark Printer if I win ___ at the gate. Thank you.
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Hello, it's this is Steve. I'm at St Pancras. Do not wanna fuss about about this station is rubbish. ___ nothing the other day when they heard that Jeremy Vine was here feel me. He had a dominion running along side him holding up a piece of paper which he was reading from. Least the day he got piece the camera. God. Little blow there to run carrying along deciding Max I'm trying to copy it was ridiculous. Anyway.
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Hello, this is Dave Frenton(?). I'm standing at Waterloo Station now on the tong(?) course, and the train are absolutely bloody stuffed. I'm so sick of this. The trains are just rubbish oh oh hang on a sec oh there's my train, alright ok thanks this is Dave from Carbon.
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God I am pissed off. The M25 has message boards saying how long it's gonna take to get from one point to another a particular junction. It said there was a 15 mins delay but a preceding on the journey some boards had no message and some gave information that was in the system with the last poll. So I thought I'd suffer the delay rather than try an alternative. I then spent a bloody hr in the solid traffic. Two days later exactly the bloody same thing happened and I've attempted to try and find a different route but I didn't. This time there was no delay at all. You see the expensive cameras and signs are such a good idea. They need to be bloody accurate the way your traffic reports are hopeless too. Other reports are totally frequent and you end up in traffic by the time the radio reports a problem well the traffic is cleared and you wonder why they report the damn thing in the first place. The hr delay I experienced wasn't reported at all on the radio and not as with the radio when the traffic alarm so pick som(?) most of the local radio reports. These things are bloody useless useless useless useless.
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Hi I really think it's disgusting Waterloo station has shut the access to the platform, from the underground exit, after 9:20 ___ and there is no really think may stopping you again they only do is find that the gates are locked with a little bit of plastic, thanks bye.
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Why the hell are you driving Stuart's always talk like training gavards(?). Don't understand it. Yeah ok bye.
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Why is it so expensive to travel by train. When the price goes up why in the case of Beckensville(?) Station does the car park charge. Things go up at the same time. I think the public needs a full explanation of increases. It is a shame I do not a magic dog flap like the Labrador puppy in the new collection of children's stories Nobby Travels. Nobby always arrives on time. Check him out at www.nobbytravels.com.
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Are you bloody trained, are you useless? Bye.
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“Good Morning, my name is Barry, and I’ll be constantly invading your privacy with a series of loudspeaker announcements.”
Today’s question is;
Who decided that rail guards have to speak like air stewards?
Is there a european diktat that anyone in the travel industry Has to speak [pause] in a singsong accent
Do they train them to speak like that?
Or is a trendy affectation that’s caught on amongst the guards?
Have you noticed that the drivers don’t do this?
In fact, they maintain a dignified silence throughout the journey, even when you’d love them to explain why you’ve been stuck in a tunnel for half an hour.
That’s the problem with most Guards. They never tell you what you need to know.
As a breed, they’re like those people you meet at parties, who only like the sound of their own voice. When they’re not talking, they’re not listening to you. They’re just thinking what they’re going to say next.
