Speaking Freely

"Hello this is Dave from Wimbledon. This is a message to the rather annoying pregnant lady who was on my tube this morning dangling to Victoria. She stood over me tutting all the time hoping that I'd give up my seat to her because she's pregnant. Well lady, it's not my fault you're pregnant and I have got a seat for the first time for ages. I don't see why I should have to give it up and also as you noticed I was rubbing my knee, I've got a bad knee. So no, I've no sympathy for you whatsoever. Seeing about yourself at the duff(?). Ok this is Dave from Wimbledon. Thank you. Bye."

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Speaking Freely

"Hi, my name is Cynthia and I'm from Canada. I just got into Waterloo Station and there's a big sign saying good service running on all London undergrounds(?). Well buddy I'll be the judge of whether you're a good service or not and I don't think you are. I think your service is dreadful, don't you have employ cleaners in London. Ok, I'm Cynthia and I'm phoning from London and I'm from Canada originally. Bye."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello yeah, this is Amanda from Kingston. I tilled on to work today on the South West trains and they keep talking about having standard class and first class. There's only 2 classes of ticket on the South West trains. That's sitting class and standing class. Why don't you price your tickets accordingly. It's disgusting. It's not fair on us. Thank you. My name is Amanda and I'm from Kingston. Bye."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello, this is Derek. Got on the train this morning. ___ back to London Bridge as ever the train was packed. Why is it people don't move down the train to let other people on. What on earth is it going on there. Why can't the guards shout at them instead of blowing the whistle at us. I only get a cattle ___ and make these selfish bastards move down the bloody train so we can get on. Ok. That's it. Thank you. Goodbye."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello I've noticed that on my train coming in from North Hampton into London there seems to be no relation between the timetable and what's written on the board yet the trains aren't recorded as late. Have you got your own dual system of running the the train timetables, it's ridiculous. Ok goodbye"

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Speaking Freely

"Hello this is Dave from ___. I can't explain why my train always leaves on time but then as soon as it ___ out the station it stops for 10 mins. It just sit there we sit there in confused complete silence. Well someone explained to me the other day that is how they fiddle the punctuality records because the train leaves on time it's recorded on time it arrives 20 mins late and we're all completely fed up, but they don't really care about that because they still get paid. What a screw up. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello my name is Barry. I would like to complain not about the trains but about the fellow passengers. I was on a train yesterday coming up to Waterloo just killing some time when suddenly this lady for no apparent reason shouted at me. Do you have to pluck your ears like that? I was dumb founded. Why shouldn't I use that time for a bit of male grooming? I was just shocked. Anyway when I put it in my ear, mouth. She got even more upset. Please South West trains do something about your passengers. We need a passengers Chartar(?). Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello. I would like to complain about a transport police man who was very, very bossy and viscous at Victoria Station last night. He wouldn't let me on my train to go home and he said I was drunk and incapable. Blimey. Drunk and incapable: if I've heard that once, I've heard it a thousand times I'm sick of it. Why don't they just let me get on my train and go home, this is political correctness gone mad. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello, I'm phoning about the shop near Kingston train station called Cracking Pies. I think it's a really nice shop. I'd like to say how nice the people were but I feel really sorry for them because they're not in a regular position and they don't seem to get many customers but they're such nice people. I hate all the big High Street chains. Doesn't everybody? They everything there own way. So anyway I'd just like to say go to Cracking Pies and buy a pie while they're still in business. Ok thank you"

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Speaking Freely

"Hello. I was in this bookshop the other day and this incredibly aggressive woman was serving.

I think she'd decided I was a shoplifter. She even followed me into the toilets. She waited until I was settled in, then started banging on the cubicle door, shouting "Are you going to buy that book, 'sir'. "

That's right, she said 'sir' incredibly sarcastically. This woman has never known the phrase - the customer is always right.

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Speaking Freely

"Good evening. I had to wait ages for Cassandra and Champagne - or whatever their stupid names were- to finish off their conversation about Kevin, before I got what passes for service in Gannons gym, in suburbiton today. have you noticed how useless they are in most gyms. They must pay peanuts, because they seem to attract a lot of monkeys and bottom feeders."

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Speaking Freely

"I heard a bloke in a restaurant saying Gordon Brown is out of touch. That's nonsense. Gordon Brown says he meets lot of ordinary people, listens to their concerns and acts of them. Iknow that's true too. When I met him I was lost for words, so I blurted out something stupid like 'Why don't you take five billion pounds out of our pensin funds and spend it on press releases, private education for your kids, and diversity courses. And he subsequently did. "

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Speaking Freely

"Hello I am Emilia Anderson and those trains are awesomely terrible.

How do the train companies make a profit when they are so shit.

Will you stop swearing? You're not supposed to use a mobile phone in this carriage.

Mind your own business mate, I'm dictating a complaint message about this train being late"

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Speaking Freely

"Hello this is Cathy.

I'm at Bristol Parkside, and there's something on the tracks that looks suspiciously like poo poo and toilet paper. Please tell me they don't flush the toilets directly onto the tracks, not in this day and age.

Goodbye"

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Speaking Freely

"Why do South West Trains guards spend so much time on the intercom. And why do they speak like they're piloting Concorde. 'Well be cruising at six feet, at speeds up to ten miles an hour. if you wish to visit the buffet, you can buy over priced drinks from a surly jobsworth'. You're not professionals matey, you're a glorified ticket collector. Shut up and leave us in peace! "

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"Hello, my name is Andrew and I live in Richmond in Surrey. I'm on the bus at the moment and it's fantastic. Do you know I had 2 buses that came all together some think that is a bad thing. I think that is a brilliant thing. 2 buses come together, they sail and only stop at alternative stops and you're going at billio(?), you go so far you end up catching up to the little bus in the front. Then there's 3 of you, then you're only stopping at every 3rd stop. It is brilliant. You go so quickly, it's like speeding down the bridge 66 with the wind blowing through your hair except you're in Kingston. It's marvellous. Why don't you send out 2 buses together all the time? That'll be far better. That's my suggestion to make, keep London moving. Ok. Thank you. Bye."

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"Hello my name is Guy I live in East ___ and for some reason I'm stuck in a massive traffic jam and oh look I just gone past it now, I know what the problem is. There's a a minor accident. Do you know how long we've been stuck here for all this time cos everybody slows down to look at the traffic accident. Why don't the police cover it all up and take some pictures of the ghoulish incident stick their money into that. Then they can look at it later, that would be a great idea. We all like to look at accidents and then let's look at it at home in fault and colour glory instead of slowing down and craning our necks and just seeing just a small part of the accident. That's my idea to get everyone back at work on time, thank you goodbye"

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Speaking Freely

"Hello, my name is Embros(?). I'm from North Dublin originally but I now live in London. On they M25 and some idiot who's been cruising along at 60mi an hr in the fast lane for about 5 mins. Why on earth don't people pull, if you fine people for staying in the fast lane I'm just speaking about, you can make a fortune. I know policing is all about fining people so why don't you do that. You don't need to open the forth lane. Just fine the idiot and they'll pull over. Thank you. Bye."

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"Hello my name is Bryan, I'm an arts critic for a London Regional Paper and I live in Wimbledon. Now I do wish that they would teach train drivers to communicate a little bit more clearly on the District and Circle Line. How would they tell us that the train is about to burst into flames and we've only got 10 seconds to run for our lives? I imagine they would do it like this, mumble mumble mumble run mumble wumba(?) bumble for lives mumble mumble mumble or you will fry, peep. They can communicate perfectly clearly when they're on strike, and talk in to the TV cameras, but when they wanna tell us that the train's not moving for 25 mins they can't even get their heads out of their bloody newspapers. It's not rocket science, teach these men to talk clearly. My name is Bryan and I live in Wimbledon. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello can anyone tell me my ___ train these days, the minute you pull out the station there's about 25 mins of uninterrupted messages, prerecorded messages coming over the bloody ___ at fucking 9000 decibels, these ear shattering corporate messages read out like a bloody ___ air steward. It's rubbish anyway, we know we need to buy a ticket. You don't need to give us any service because you don't get fined but we know we have to buy a ticket or we get fined that's why you make it so fucking hard for us to actually buy a ticket in the first place and then you play this bloody stupid messages. What's wrong with a bit of peace and quiet. Ok my name's Darren and I live in Milton Keynes. Thank you. Bye."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello this is Sam, I am from South Africa. I was on a Baker Loo Train there other day, it stopped at Charring Cross for no apparent reason then after about a minute the tunnel comes on and this man just mumbles something and their sort of eating cake and he had his hand in his mouth and it was he didn't want us to hear what he was saying anyway so we all sat there confused then about 5 minutes late after we'd sat on the train doing nothing the chariot comes on and he mumbles something else again it sounded like he had his head in his newspaper or something then about 5 minutes later someone makes an announcement on the on the platform again it's mumbled this time a guy with a heavy South West African accent again he sounds like his just awoken from a coma and he wasn't sure what time of day it was. Anyway we eventually got off, walk down the platform, tapped on the drivers window and said what has happened and he said oh the train just stuck here for the foreseeable future. He said why didn't you tell us and he said listen I did tell you I said no one not a blinking person understood a word he said and if you said listen mate that's I the way I talk alright suddenly he made himself intelligible he could do what he wanted to. With that row he slammed the door and went back into his crappy little compartment. What is wrong with transport for London don't you teach your staff to speak english. Have you teach them some communications skills? What would happen in an emergency? Would you just tell everyone the trains not working you better run for your lives. There you go this is Samatha I live in Kensil(?) Rise and I will just happily take any prize you can give me. Thank you, bye."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello, my name is Calvin. I am very very pissed off. Oh I am from Way Bridge. Why is it when the train is late and it's half the size it should be, your piss anty(?) little spacen(?) staff seems to take it out on the passengers? Who was that little man running up and down this platform blowing his bloody whistle at the top of his lungs. It's not our fault the train's delayed and it's half the size it should be. Blowing that crappy whistle is not gonna make us get on the train any faster. Is it? I felt like taking that whistle off him and shoving it right up his arse. He needs to learn some customer care skills. Ok. My name is Calvin. I'm phoning from Way Bridge. Goodbye."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello this is Suesan. I want to complain about another passenger. Who was on a train this morning, going into Waterloo. When he wasn't speaking on the phone, which annoying enough as it is, I noticed he started plucking his hairs out of his ears, disgusting. If that was not bad enough, when he thought no one was looking he was popping his hairs in his mouth. I wanted to be sick. Why can't we band these people from using the train or put a notice up saying, please do pluck your hairs out of your ears when travelling on South West Trains. Thank you. My name is Suesan and I live in New Moldon. Thank you."

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"Hello, my name is K T. I would like to complain about South West Trains on Saturday. I went in at Kingston Station and there was a massive massive queue, non of the ticket machines were working. There was this big fat bloke just leaning against the ticket turnstiles just doing nothing so I said to him can you just repair one of these ticket machines. He said no mate, I said look at the strength of the queue and he said why don't you go down the road there's a shop down there you can buy a ticket there. So off I went, took my 6 year old daughter across the busy high road went off down the road to the shop and bought a ticket. When I got back to the station to go and get my train up to Waterloo he then said there's no trains mate I said why didn't you tell me that before I bought my ticket. He said you didn't ask. This is ridiculous what a waste of time I was taking my daughter to a show and now I've missed it, it's just ridiculous. Goodbye"

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Speaking Freely

"Hello I have a question. When we use the toilet on a train does the. How can I put this? Poo poo the affluent does it go onto the tracks still or is it kept ___ on planes. I need to know because I was using the toilet the other day. I came out and there was a lady as a courtesy I'd give it 5 mins if I were you love and instead of thanking me she launched into a bitter terraid(?). You are not suppose to use the toilet while the train is stationary. You disgust me all that kind of thing. It was totally embarrassing but I said nothing and I walked off but I was thinking surely poo poo doesn't go on the tracks any more does it. We can use the train while it's in the station. Can we or can't we? Why don't self less trains make this plane. My name is Calvin McKenzie and I live in Whirlking(?). Thank you."

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"Hello, why do the bloody train driver's talk so much on the train now? They never tell you the information you need like why is the train stuck in the tunnel for 2 hours. They don't tell you that but they do do this whole bloody spill so that they sound like a Ryan Airlines S Captain. Welcome aboard to South West Train Service it's rubbish oh and those constant bloody messages telling you about how you're gonna get prosecuted if you don't buy a ticket but why aren't they being prosecuted for not providing a decent bloody service? Well my name is Alan I'm from Hornchurch I'm fed up. Ok bye."

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"Hello I would like to complain not about the stuff at the London ___ I think are magnificent. I want to complain about my fellow commuters. Who are this people that get on the train and stop the minute they are on the train and say no one else can get on? They clint(?) those little barriers but they are clinging on for line that the rest on the courage is empty. We got to stand on the platform. Help us we are pleading them to move down the train. It makes me sick my name is Tony and I live in Ridmont(?). Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Why are there so many people on the London underground standing around doing nothing. If you look at the ticket barriers, they're both standing by the ticket barriers, just starring at them. What's the point? They've got installed tickets machines to check all tickets. We don't need ticket collectors any more. You should make them do something else. Drive trains, or tidy the place up, or help people, not just stand there like idiots, the idiots that they are. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello this is Mike from Richmond. My train came late today. Not only was it late it was 4 carriages instead of 8. So there's plenty more people on the train already and there's more people to pack in. So what is that idiot do on the platform. Just runs around blowing his bloody whistle. That doesn't make the train get there any faster. Doesn't make the passengers squeeze in to a sardine tin any faster. What is the bloody point to that? Is that all you can do? Blow your whistle. Right this is Mike from Richmond and I'll take the Tony Brad prize please. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Hello, what was the point of putting all those ticket machines in all over London. Now at Pickerdillie(?) Circus they've got ticket, machines and now they've got the original ticket brences(?) standing by the machines staring at them like zombies as everyone walks through. What on earth is the point you can replace anybody you haven't saved any money. It's rubbish ok. This is David from Battersea. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

"Dominic Ponsfid(?). Waterloo and Oldstreet. I just like to say that the Water City line is even more rubbish than ever now because it's closed for interchange on the Northern line. Thanks. Bye."

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