Your Journey

I just woke up. I've missed my stop.

2010-08-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

And I'm surrounded by unopened snacks

Puked on my new journey back from work. It's now officially the Home run

2010-08-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

I've woken up far too early. Even my hangover isn't awake yet

2010-08-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

I must say, it's nice getting on the train at Richmond. Bit nicer than where I live.

Then again, anything's nicer than Harlesden.

Puccinis on train stations

2010-03-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

Why do you think people come into a cafe on a train station platform?

er, do you think maybe they're waiting for a train?

So why don't you hurry and serve us. We want coffee. No one gives a toss about your upcoming court case. Talk about it when the train's gone.

To the Guard at Clapham Junction platform 9

2010-03-22T05:04:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times you blow on that shitty whistle, we're not going to get on the train any quicker.
You know why?
The train is half the size, with twice as many people.

If you don't stop blowing that stupid whistle, someone's going to stick it up your arse.

Speaking Freely "Hello, why is the train service..."

2010-01-11T22:19:00.001-08:00

"Hello, why is the train service from service(?) still crap at the moment. That's my question for you. Ok. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

What a hypocrite Heather Mills is

2009-12-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows she's only got one leg, so why does she pretend she has two (when it's so obvious the other one is made of plastic?
Who on earth does she think she's kidding?

Rude Station Manager

2009-12-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Clapham Junction station manager. OK, I was asleep in your waiting room. But I wasn't paralytic. And I don't like words like tramp and beggar. I prefer Agent of Change.
Got that?

Speaking Freely "Hello, this is John from Clapham..."

2009-09-06T03:29:00.001-07:00

"Hello, this is John from Clapham Junction. I want to know why the South West train constantly plays bloody annoying pre recorded messages all the way through ___ From Kingston ___. What's the point of having silent trains when you got this bloody record going on. It annoys the hell out of me. Stop it please."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely "Hello yeah, I'm just testing..."

2009-09-06T03:09:00.001-07:00

"Hello yeah, I'm just testing to see if this actually works. Ok. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely "What"

2009-08-05T01:31:00.001-07:00

"What"

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely "Hi Paul, it's only James...."

2009-08-02T11:08:00.001-07:00

"Hi Paul, it's only James. Just been given the sad news mate sorry I can't be there but I'm down on holiday down on the board by about and once again mate I'm very very sorry to hear as soon as get back and give me a bell or pop down and see you mate. Speak to you later. Ta da."

spoken through SpinVox

I'm looking out the window on the Victoria line heading up to Walthamstow

2009-03-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

It's not exactly the garden of Eden is it?

And they say south London is grim!!

Give me Browckwell Park any time.

Speaking Freely

2009-03-07T08:22:00.001-08:00

"You far king can't. Where is my bloody train?"

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-12-01T07:16:00.001-08:00

"Hello this is Dave from Wimbledon. This is a message to the rather annoying pregnant lady who was on my tube this morning dangling to Victoria. She stood over me tutting all the time hoping that I'd give up my seat to her because she's pregnant. Well lady, it's not my fault you're pregnant and I have got a seat for the first time for ages. I don't see why I should have to give it up and also as you noticed I was rubbing my knee, I've got a bad knee. So no, I've no sympathy for you whatsoever. Seeing about yourself at the duff(?). Ok this is Dave from Wimbledon. Thank you. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-12-01T07:14:00.001-08:00

"Hi, my name is Cynthia and I'm from Canada. I just got into Waterloo Station and there's a big sign saying good service running on all London undergrounds(?). Well buddy I'll be the judge of whether you're a good service or not and I don't think you are. I think your service is dreadful, don't you have employ cleaners in London. Ok, I'm Cynthia and I'm phoning from London and I'm from Canada originally. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-12-01T07:06:00.001-08:00

"Hello yeah, this is Amanda from Kingston. I tilled on to work today on the South West trains and they keep talking about having standard class and first class. There's only 2 classes of ticket on the South West trains. That's sitting class and standing class. Why don't you price your tickets accordingly. It's disgusting. It's not fair on us. Thank you. My name is Amanda and I'm from Kingston. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-12-01T07:05:00.001-08:00

"Hello, this is Derek. Got on the train this morning. ___ back to London Bridge as ever the train was packed. Why is it people don't move down the train to let other people on. What on earth is it going on there. Why can't the guards shout at them instead of blowing the whistle at us. I only get a cattle ___ and make these selfish bastards move down the bloody train so we can get on. Ok. That's it. Thank you. Goodbye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-09-23T04:49:00.003-07:00

"Hello I've noticed that on my train coming in from North Hampton into London there seems to be no relation between the timetable and what's written on the board yet the trains aren't recorded as late. Have you got your own dual system of running the the train timetables, it's ridiculous. Ok goodbye"

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Speaking Freely

2008-09-23T04:49:00.001-07:00

"Hello this is Dave from ___. I can't explain why my train always leaves on time but then as soon as it ___ out the station it stops for 10 mins. It just sit there we sit there in confused complete silence. Well someone explained to me the other day that is how they fiddle the punctuality records because the train leaves on time it's recorded on time it arrives 20 mins late and we're all completely fed up, but they don't really care about that because they still get paid. What a screw up. Thank you."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-09-23T04:44:00.001-07:00

"Hello my name is Barry. I would like to complain not about the trains but about the fellow passengers. I was on a train yesterday coming up to Waterloo just killing some time when suddenly this lady for no apparent reason shouted at me. Do you have to pluck your ears like that? I was dumb founded. Why shouldn't I use that time for a bit of male grooming? I was just shocked. Anyway when I put it in my ear, mouth. She got even more upset. Please South West trains do something about your passengers. We need a passengers Chartar(?). Thank you."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-09-23T04:35:00.001-07:00

"Hello. I would like to complain about a transport police man who was very, very bossy and viscous at Victoria Station last night. He wouldn't let me on my train to go home and he said I was drunk and incapable. Blimey. Drunk and incapable: if I've heard that once, I've heard it a thousand times I'm sick of it. Why don't they just let me get on my train and go home, this is political correctness gone mad. Thank you."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-09-22T13:10:00.001-07:00

"Hello, I'm phoning about the shop near Kingston train station called Cracking Pies. I think it's a really nice shop. I'd like to say how nice the people were but I feel really sorry for them because they're not in a regular position and they don't seem to get many customers but they're such nice people. I hate all the big High Street chains. Doesn't everybody? They everything there own way. So anyway I'd just like to say go to Cracking Pies and buy a pie while they're still in business. Ok thank you"

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-08-10T10:36:00.001-07:00

"Hello. I was in this bookshop the other day and this incredibly aggressive woman was serving.

I think she'd decided I was a shoplifter. She even followed me into the toilets. She waited until I was settled in, then started banging on the cubicle door, shouting "Are you going to buy that book, 'sir'. "

That's right, she said 'sir' incredibly sarcastically. This woman has never known the phrase - the customer is always right.

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-08-10T10:13:00.001-07:00

"Good evening. I had to wait ages for Cassandra and Champagne - or whatever their stupid names were- to finish off their conversation about Kevin, before I got what passes for service in Gannons gym, in suburbiton today. have you noticed how useless they are in most gyms. They must pay peanuts, because they seem to attract a lot of monkeys and bottom feeders."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-08-10T08:20:00.001-07:00

"I heard a bloke in a restaurant saying Gordon Brown is out of touch. That's nonsense. Gordon Brown says he meets lot of ordinary people, listens to their concerns and acts of them. Iknow that's true too. When I met him I was lost for words, so I blurted out something stupid like 'Why don't you take five billion pounds out of our pensin funds and spend it on press releases, private education for your kids, and diversity courses. And he subsequently did. "

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-08-10T06:33:00.001-07:00

"Hello I am Emilia Anderson and those trains are awesomely terrible.

How do the train companies make a profit when they are so shit.

Will you stop swearing? You're not supposed to use a mobile phone in this carriage.

Mind your own business mate, I'm dictating a complaint message about this train being late"

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-08-05T05:14:00.001-07:00

"Hello this is Cathy.

I'm at Bristol Parkside, and there's something on the tracks that looks suspiciously like poo poo and toilet paper. Please tell me they don't flush the toilets directly onto the tracks, not in this day and age.

Goodbye"

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-08-05T04:46:00.001-07:00

"Why do South West Trains guards spend so much time on the intercom. And why do they speak like they're piloting Concorde. 'Well be cruising at six feet, at speeds up to ten miles an hour. if you wish to visit the buffet, you can buy over priced drinks from a surly jobsworth'. You're not professionals matey, you're a glorified ticket collector. Shut up and leave us in peace! "

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-07-21T14:42:00.001-07:00

"Hello, my name is Andrew and I live in Richmond in Surrey. I'm on the bus at the moment and it's fantastic. Do you know I had 2 buses that came all together some think that is a bad thing. I think that is a brilliant thing. 2 buses come together, they sail and only stop at alternative stops and you're going at billio(?), you go so far you end up catching up to the little bus in the front. Then there's 3 of you, then you're only stopping at every 3rd stop. It is brilliant. You go so quickly, it's like speeding down the bridge 66 with the wind blowing through your hair except you're in Kingston. It's marvellous. Why don't you send out 2 buses together all the time? That'll be far better. That's my suggestion to make, keep London moving. Ok. Thank you. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-07-21T14:24:00.001-07:00

"Hello my name is Guy I live in East ___ and for some reason I'm stuck in a massive traffic jam and oh look I just gone past it now, I know what the problem is. There's a a minor accident. Do you know how long we've been stuck here for all this time cos everybody slows down to look at the traffic accident. Why don't the police cover it all up and take some pictures of the ghoulish incident stick their money into that. Then they can look at it later, that would be a great idea. We all like to look at accidents and then let's look at it at home in fault and colour glory instead of slowing down and craning our necks and just seeing just a small part of the accident. That's my idea to get everyone back at work on time, thank you goodbye"

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-07-21T14:22:00.001-07:00

"Hello, my name is Embros(?). I'm from North Dublin originally but I now live in London. On they M25 and some idiot who's been cruising along at 60mi an hr in the fast lane for about 5 mins. Why on earth don't people pull, if you fine people for staying in the fast lane I'm just speaking about, you can make a fortune. I know policing is all about fining people so why don't you do that. You don't need to open the forth lane. Just fine the idiot and they'll pull over. Thank you. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-05-26T01:18:00.001-07:00

"Hello my name is Bryan, I'm an arts critic for a London Regional Paper and I live in Wimbledon. Now I do wish that they would teach train drivers to communicate a little bit more clearly on the District and Circle Line. How would they tell us that the train is about to burst into flames and we've only got 10 seconds to run for our lives? I imagine they would do it like this, mumble mumble mumble run mumble wumba(?) bumble for lives mumble mumble mumble or you will fry, peep. They can communicate perfectly clearly when they're on strike, and talk in to the TV cameras, but when they wanna tell us that the train's not moving for 25 mins they can't even get their heads out of their bloody newspapers. It's not rocket science, teach these men to talk clearly. My name is Bryan and I live in Wimbledon. Thank you."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-05-26T00:28:00.001-07:00

"Hello can anyone tell me my ___ train these days, the minute you pull out the station there's about 25 mins of uninterrupted messages, prerecorded messages coming over the bloody ___ at fucking 9000 decibels, these ear shattering corporate messages read out like a bloody ___ air steward. It's rubbish anyway, we know we need to buy a ticket. You don't need to give us any service because you don't get fined but we know we have to buy a ticket or we get fined that's why you make it so fucking hard for us to actually buy a ticket in the first place and then you play this bloody stupid messages. What's wrong with a bit of peace and quiet. Ok my name's Darren and I live in Milton Keynes. Thank you. Bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-05-26T00:22:00.001-07:00

"Hello this is Sam, I am from South Africa. I was on a Baker Loo Train there other day, it stopped at Charring Cross for no apparent reason then after about a minute the tunnel comes on and this man just mumbles something and their sort of eating cake and he had his hand in his mouth and it was he didn't want us to hear what he was saying anyway so we all sat there confused then about 5 minutes late after we'd sat on the train doing nothing the chariot comes on and he mumbles something else again it sounded like he had his head in his newspaper or something then about 5 minutes later someone makes an announcement on the on the platform again it's mumbled this time a guy with a heavy South West African accent again he sounds like his just awoken from a coma and he wasn't sure what time of day it was. Anyway we eventually got off, walk down the platform, tapped on the drivers window and said what has happened and he said oh the train just stuck here for the foreseeable future. He said why didn't you tell us and he said listen I did tell you I said no one not a blinking person understood a word he said and if you said listen mate that's I the way I talk alright suddenly he made himself intelligible he could do what he wanted to. With that row he slammed the door and went back into his crappy little compartment. What is wrong with transport for London don't you teach your staff to speak english. Have you teach them some communications skills? What would happen in an emergency? Would you just tell everyone the trains not working you better run for your lives. There you go this is Samatha I live in Kensil(?) Rise and I will just happily take any prize you can give me. Thank you, bye."

spoken through SpinVox

Speaking Freely

2008-05-26T00:14:00.001-07:00

"Hello, my name is Calvin. I am very very pissed off. Oh I am from Way Bridge. Why is it when the train is late and it's half the size it should be, your piss anty(?) little spacen(?) staff seems to take it out on the passengers? Who was that little man running up and down this platform blowing his bloody whistle at the top of his lungs. It's not our fault the train's delayed and it's half the size it should be. Blowing that crappy whistle is not gonna make us get on the train any faster. Is it? I felt like taking that whistle off him and shoving it right up his arse. He needs to learn some customer care skills. Ok. My name is Calvin. I'm phoning from Way Bridge. Goodbye."

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-17T11:22:00.001-07:00

"Hello this is Suesan. I want to complain about another passenger. Who was on a train this morning, going into Waterloo. When he wasn't speaking on the phone, which annoying enough as it is, I noticed he started plucking his hairs out of his ears, disgusting. If that was not bad enough, when he thought no one was looking he was popping his hairs in his mouth. I wanted to be sick. Why can't we band these people from using the train or put a notice up saying, please do pluck your hairs out of your ears when travelling on South West Trains. Thank you. My name is Suesan and I live in New Moldon. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-07T00:01:00.001-07:00

"Hello, my name is K T. I would like to complain about South West Trains on Saturday. I went in at Kingston Station and there was a massive massive queue, non of the ticket machines were working. There was this big fat bloke just leaning against the ticket turnstiles just doing nothing so I said to him can you just repair one of these ticket machines. He said no mate, I said look at the strength of the queue and he said why don't you go down the road there's a shop down there you can buy a ticket there. So off I went, took my 6 year old daughter across the busy high road went off down the road to the shop and bought a ticket. When I got back to the station to go and get my train up to Waterloo he then said there's no trains mate I said why didn't you tell me that before I bought my ticket. He said you didn't ask. This is ridiculous what a waste of time I was taking my daughter to a show and now I've missed it, it's just ridiculous. Goodbye"

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-05T02:13:00.001-07:00

"Hello I have a question. When we use the toilet on a train does the. How can I put this? Poo poo the affluent does it go onto the tracks still or is it kept ___ on planes. I need to know because I was using the toilet the other day. I came out and there was a lady as a courtesy I'd give it 5 mins if I were you love and instead of thanking me she launched into a bitter terraid(?). You are not suppose to use the toilet while the train is stationary. You disgust me all that kind of thing. It was totally embarrassing but I said nothing and I walked off but I was thinking surely poo poo doesn't go on the tracks any more does it. We can use the train while it's in the station. Can we or can't we? Why don't self less trains make this plane. My name is Calvin McKenzie and I live in Whirlking(?). Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-05T02:10:00.001-07:00

"Hello, why do the bloody train driver's talk so much on the train now? They never tell you the information you need like why is the train stuck in the tunnel for 2 hours. They don't tell you that but they do do this whole bloody spill so that they sound like a Ryan Airlines S Captain. Welcome aboard to South West Train Service it's rubbish oh and those constant bloody messages telling you about how you're gonna get prosecuted if you don't buy a ticket but why aren't they being prosecuted for not providing a decent bloody service? Well my name is Alan I'm from Hornchurch I'm fed up. Ok bye."

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-05T02:00:00.001-07:00

"Hello I would like to complain not about the stuff at the London ___ I think are magnificent. I want to complain about my fellow commuters. Who are this people that get on the train and stop the minute they are on the train and say no one else can get on? They clint(?) those little barriers but they are clinging on for line that the rest on the courage is empty. We got to stand on the platform. Help us we are pleading them to move down the train. It makes me sick my name is Tony and I live in Ridmont(?). Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-05T01:56:00.001-07:00

"Why are there so many people on the London underground standing around doing nothing. If you look at the ticket barriers, they're both standing by the ticket barriers, just starring at them. What's the point? They've got installed tickets machines to check all tickets. We don't need ticket collectors any more. You should make them do something else. Drive trains, or tidy the place up, or help people, not just stand there like idiots, the idiots that they are. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-05T01:50:00.001-07:00

"Hello this is Mike from Richmond. My train came late today. Not only was it late it was 4 carriages instead of 8. So there's plenty more people on the train already and there's more people to pack in. So what is that idiot do on the platform. Just runs around blowing his bloody whistle. That doesn't make the train get there any faster. Doesn't make the passengers squeeze in to a sardine tin any faster. What is the bloody point to that? Is that all you can do? Blow your whistle. Right this is Mike from Richmond and I'll take the Tony Brad prize please. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

2008-04-05T01:46:00.001-07:00

"Hello, what was the point of putting all those ticket machines in all over London. Now at Pickerdillie(?) Circus they've got ticket, machines and now they've got the original ticket brences(?) standing by the machines staring at them like zombies as everyone walks through. What on earth is the point you can replace anybody you haven't saved any money. It's rubbish ok. This is David from Battersea. Thank you."

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Speaking Freely

2008-03-31T06:24:00.000-07:00

"Dominic Ponsfid(?). Waterloo and Oldstreet. I just like to say that the Water City line is even more rubbish than ever now because it's closed for interchange on the Northern line. Thanks. Bye."

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-24T11:09:00.001-08:00

Hello this is Emma from Chudik(?). I'm on a Tube train. I'm seven months pregnant. Let see was like someone ___ toe truck on my bladder and not one bloody man as get up from his sit. One person did guess what, it was a women, thank you very much ___ and I would like the fibrater(?) follow in the ___ Thank you, Bye.

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2007-11-24T11:03:00.001-08:00

Hello, we may have missed the Station on assignment but for some reason the train has just pulled out at the Sub Train Station as for about 20 mins. There was no message from the driver. He's bloody rubbish. This is Dave from Savitone(?) in Sowick(?). Bye.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-24T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hello, my name is Nick. I'm at Milford Station and once again there's no sign of a train and I'm feeling pretty cold and depressed. This is Nick in Milford, in Surrey. Thank you.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-22T04:59:00.001-08:00

Hello, this is Cloe, I'm I am getting the train from Richmond to Clarkem(?) Junction. I'm heavily pregnant and not I person here has got up to offer me a seat except of course another woman. Isn't that typical, if I win a price, I would like one of those women's books please. This is Cloe and I'm from Richmond. Thank you bye.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-21T03:33:00.001-08:00

Hello. I wonder if you can help me. My name is Alistair and I lost a CD the other day on the train. This CD had lots of important information when it had 15M records of people's personal information. I desperately need it back and I'm in a bit of trouble at work and my boss is gonna get a lot of flak at Prime Minister's question time. I was just wondering if anyone's found my CD if they could hand it in please. I'm desperate. My name is Alistair and I'm phoning from Westminster. Ok. Thank you.

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Be Our Ranter of the Week and win..... a year's subscription to Scarlet Magazine

2007-11-20T10:13:00.001-08:00

"Scarlet makes Cosmo look like a Methodist prayer book" -The Evening Standard, London

Scarlet is packed with hot semi-naked men, true confessions, forthright sex features, lingerie to lust over and erotic literature (aptly named Cliterature).

It's the first magazine catering to female sexuality in the same way that men's magazines have been looking after the boys for years.

It's a lot more subtle and sophisticated than any men's magazines (not that we read that stuff) so it's ideal reading for everyone. Except the under 18s.

Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-20T10:05:00.001-08:00

The Victoria line is not working. I only found out when I went out down to the Victoria line at Folkswole(?). And that the tube wasn't working. Why they couldn't have told us all before for adopt the train, I don't know. I did hear some are mumbling something in a very strong West African Accent which I assume is they're warning me about Victoria landing closed. It could be nice if you could have told us before hand clearly. Just dreadful. This is Ken Young from Chilek(?). Thank you. Bye.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-19T04:11:00.001-08:00

Hello my name is Velerian(?). I was travelling, well trying to travel from Winston Junction to Kingston yesterday but at Richmond they added about 1 hr and a half to my journey with a replacement bus service. What a joke. This would never happen in my Country. Your trains are rubbish. My name is Velerian(?). I leave in Wembley. Goodbye.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-16T08:46:00.001-08:00

Hello I've just been told about your site and your ranked line. I think it's very silly but Transport for London we run a world class train service which is the envy of the world. How on earth can anyone complain about our trains. They are fit for purpose and tailor made for the 21st Century. Thank you. No I don't want my ___ silly prices either. Thank you. Mine is Ken and I work for Transport for London. Goodbye.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-16T08:25:00.001-08:00

My name is Jennet, I edit a National Newspaper. So I don't really have time to get the train I get cars all the time, I don't do waiting but I did get good show the other day and I was very impressed with all politeness of the working class people but if you go South to the river the paper are very blend and very boring I don't do boring. My name is Jennet and I don't want any of those books, oh please. Goodbye.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-16T07:55:00.001-08:00

Hello my name is Jeremy. Now listen here I don't like trains I don't even think they should even be running I want a car everyone knows I love cars but we're making a program and I'm going to get the train and I am going to enjoy it now I'm surprised these trains are actually quite good the ones from Waterloo out to Reading they're very very fast and good service but you'll never get me out of my car I'm sorry I don't want to travel with other smelly useless people and turn up 2 days late for every meeting so keep your trains I'm sticking with a car ok bye.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-16T07:25:00.001-08:00

Hello. Yeah. My name is Kelvin. And I want to make a cake for defending we were ___ gaurds(?) there is a particularly unpleasant individual on my train and he's got his feet on the seats. Now I think this bloke should be dealt with. But I'm one to do it myself because you know what could happen on a train with a horrible little oik like this but the train gaurds(?) have to deal with them and I think we should applaud them. This little geek should be thrown up the train and fined. I don't want his filthy feet all over my seat but thank you. This is Kelvin I'm on my way back from ___ on the train to ___ going down to Surrey. Thank you.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-16T07:21:00.001-08:00

Hello, my name is Louie. Can I say something positive for a change? I know this service seems to be all about complaining about poor railway workers. But I think they do a good job, well the man that's in Pancrise(?) who just helped me with my bags, he's very good, and he's very helpful. So well done. If I win I would like a copy of girl with a one track mind by Abby Lee. Thank you very much. This is Louie and I live in Sampton(?) in Surrey. Ok.

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Spin-my-Blog Post

2007-11-16T06:54:00.001-08:00

Hello this is Damien. I'm from Cobham in Surrey. At the moment I'm at Wilston Junction. What a bloody dump. This really is the arsehole of the world. It's funny people say Croyden is bad but bloody hell you wanna sling an eyeball around Wilsdon. What? I've never seen so many knuckle dragging people in my life and the architectures dull. Everything's filthy. All these stupid little gits with their trousers hanging half way down their arses and that's just the railway guards. This is awful. I can't wait to get out of here. I'm never coming back to this dump and Silverland(?) trains aren't fucking up to much either. Ok I would like the Bluetooth handset if I win. This is Damien from Cobham. C O B H A M. Thank you.

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2007-11-16T06:44:00.001-08:00

Hello, listen, my name is Imogen. I live Tedington(?) and I am the global communications director for a very big phone company and you are really pissing me off with your dreadful service. By the way, why are you allowed to fine people £10 if they don't have a ticket and yet your trains are always late we can't fine you, we don't get a refund, this is dreadful. Ok this is Imogen from Tedington(?) and I want one of those rather saucy books that you sell. Thank you.

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2007-11-16T05:48:00.003-08:00

Hello, this is Malcolm. I'm really confused there is no information at all on the replacement bus service replacement bus service. Anyway hardly the 3 service words in the English language. Before I went I want to win the vibrator please. Thank you.

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2007-11-16T05:48:00.001-08:00

Hello, listen, this is Sharlene from Ecton. Yeah, so I'm from New Zealand and I can't believe this fucking train is here. That's so bloody awful. Hey, you know, there's a guy that gets the train Ecton Central, he's quite a good looking guy. If you're reading this, he looks like a Kiwi. Get it touch Sharlene. Yeah I read the book, the girl with a one track mind. Ok, bye.

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Straight Up and Dirty...........is that what you want?

2007-11-16T05:36:00.002-08:00

If you’re the Ranter of the Day, you could win....

Straight up And Dirty, by Stephanie Klein

Beneath the wisecracking tales of solo supermarket shopping, phone therapy, the raw emotion about her divorce and nightmare mother-in-law rings true Marie Claire

When Stephanie Klein hit her twenty-fourth birthday she thought she had everything she could possibly have wanted from life: a good job, a successful husband, a Manhattan apartment and a baby on the way.

By the time she hit thirty it was all gone; her husband and her baby lost. She was left to start again with a whole new life and an entirely depleted cast of characters. Her only company was her 'Furkid' (the small brown dog she now shared a bed with). Her friend told her to get out dating again and to employ the sandwich principle - keep one man on either side, and enjoy the interesting one in-between. So she set off, with much trepidation and wardrobe anxiety, to discover single sex all over again...

The weblog she kept of her new found freedom and sexual adventures became a sensation in the States. Her brilliantly funny, acerbic descriptions of love, life and dating bought her press and acclaim. Straight up and Dirty is Stephanie's funnier than comedy, truer than romance, sexier than fiction account of her journey.

The fearless Stephanie Klein makes Sex in the City look passe. Outrageous, outspoken and always honest, she is looking for love, with a cocktail in her hand Independent

You could win a Girl with a One Track Mind....book

2007-11-16T05:26:00.000-08:00

If you’re our ranter of the day, you could win......

This outspoken and saucy read about sex and the single gal.

‘They say men think about sex every eight seconds – I want to know what they think about for the other seven…'

Abby Lee is smart, sassy, and perpetually single. Frustrated with her mediocre love-life, she’s now looking for the kind of sex she’s always wanted. This is the intimate diary of her extraordinary journey.

Never one to turn down an opportunity - even if it does include the use of a whip, the thrill of the outdoors, or the involvement of a third party - Abby enthusiastically romps her way through a series of one-night stands, casual flings, and same-sex shags.

But as she revels in her sexual quest, Abby meets Blog Boy and begins to wonder: will she ever be able to give up the bed-hopping and finally settle down?

Grippingly filthy... Abby is explicit, prolific and sympathetic Evening Standard

Her stories about lovers past and present are always engaging and definitely sexy, written with thoughtful candour. Though the recollections are graphic, they’re not solely designed for titillation. As such, they make very good erotic reading Sugarclick.com

Horny, happy and honest...the must-buy book of the summer Scarlet

Set to be one of the summer's big talking points Eve

Summer's sauciest sexual memoir... Intimate and very engaging Elle

There's little doubt that by this summer, 'Abigail', a single thirtysomething woman who most definitely prefers sex to shopping, will be a media obsession Louise France Observer

You have to love the girl, who cheerfully admits, 'It's all true, I am that neurotic and fixated on sex' Eve

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2007-11-16T05:18:00.001-08:00

Hello my name is Cloe. I am from Wimbledon. My message is really addressed to the man who is on my cheap carriage heading up towards Southfields. Listen I smiled at you because I thought you were a simpleton. I don't fancy you so please if you ever see me on train again don't come anywhere near me I'm a tiny little man. Ok this is Bin Cloe from Wimbledon. I would quite like the love honey present please. Thank you.

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Win a Bluetooth wireless headset from our friends at Plantronics

2007-11-16T04:44:00.000-08:00

Plantronics Explorer 340 Headset

Dictate the best rant of the day and you could win.......

a stylish Explorer 340.

It’s ideal for the casual user.

And for the ranting nutter on the train who doesn’t want people to realise he’s talking to himself!

The Plantronics Explorer 340 is a sleek, lightweight headset that fuses Bluetooth wireless technology with effortless call control for a true hands-free experience. The Explorer 340 headset is easy to use and incorporates all call features—volume, answer/end call, last-number redial, and voice-activated dialling—into one single button. Delivering up to eight hours of talk time, the Explorer 340 provides the convenience you want and the mobility you need to suit your busy, active lifestyle

Normally it costs £29.99 if you get it from Amazon.co.uk, Dabs.com, Dixons and most mobile phone retailers.

But you can get it from us, if you make us laugh.

Your phone number will NOT be published.

Click here www.plantronics.com for more

About Plantronics

In 1969, a Plantronics headset carried the historic first words from the moon: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Since then, Plantronics has become the headset of choice for mission-critical applications such as air traffic control, 911 dispatch, and the New York Stock Exchange. Today, this history of Sound Innovation™ is the basis for every product we build for the office, contact center, personal mobile, entertainment and residential markets. The Plantronics family of brands includes Plantronics, Altec Lansing, Clarity, and Volume Logic. For more information, go to www.plantronics.com or call 0800 410014.

Altec Lansing, Clarity, Plantronics, Plantronics Discovery, Plantronics Explorer, Sound Innovation, and Volume Logic are trademarks or registered trademarks of Plantronics, Inc. The Bluetooth® word mark and logos are owned by the Bluetooth SIG, Inc. and any use of such marks by Plantronics, Inc. is under license. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners.

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2007-11-16T04:36:00.001-08:00

This is Nobby from Crystal Palace. Just on train at Victoria it's only 4 carriages so we are all packed in like bloody sardines. Wyatt what? Listen mate I have moved down the carriage as far as I can. Oh Wyatt. Oh yeah, you want some do yah? Do you want it know? Look shut it I'm on the phone shut it. This is Nobby from Crystal Palace I would like the Plants Honetts(?) headset please. Ok bye.

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2007-11-16T04:28:00.001-08:00

Hello. My name is Sophie and I work in the City. And this is a message to a little irritating little boy who was on my Docklands railway train this morning. Listen there sunshine I work in the City and I could have a little boy like you for breakfast. So if you ever start kicking off on a train with your little trouser half way down your sody(?) ass I'm gonna pull your pants down and smack your little bottom. Do you understand? Now piss off. This has been Sophie from Docklands. Bye bye.

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2007-11-16T04:04:00.001-08:00

Hello, my name is Nicola. I work in PLR, in Shepherd's Bush, Shepherd's Bush that is. Oh, I've had a bloody awful day dealing with bloody journalists, they're such ___. Now, I'm at Shepherd's Bush station, and there's no bloody trains for ages, and there's nobody to ask. Yes, 1 person ___ this platform. We got to that platform, is this the right platform? No, I'll send you over the other one. It's a bloody nightmare, I'm so fed up. It's such a bad day, this is the last thing I need. Well, I hope I win the prize. If I win the prize, I want maybe the Panasonic headset. Thank you.

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2007-11-16T03:51:00.001-08:00

Hello, this is Ken, Ken young from Turnem(?) Green, listen can you hear this bloke shouting in the back ground, can you hear that, listen to him you wouldn't think that mobile phones have got microphones, he might as well just put it down and shout to ___ whoever is he's talking too, what an arse why the people like that always have to sit near me on a bloody train, guilt where on earth is my train by the way. I need to get to Richmond, can anyone help. This is Ken from Turnem(?) Green and I claim my prize. I would the Lexmark Printer if I win ___ at the gate. Thank you.

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2007-11-16T03:47:00.000-08:00

Hello, it's this is Steve. I'm at St Pancras. Do not wanna fuss about about this station is rubbish. ___ nothing the other day when they heard that Jeremy Vine was here feel me. He had a dominion running along side him holding up a piece of paper which he was reading from. Least the day he got piece the camera. God. Little blow there to run carrying along deciding Max I'm trying to copy it was ridiculous. Anyway.

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2007-11-16T03:18:00.001-08:00

Hello, this is Dave Frenton(?). I'm standing at Waterloo Station now on the tong(?) course, and the train are absolutely bloody stuffed. I'm so sick of this. The trains are just rubbish oh oh hang on a sec oh there's my train, alright ok thanks this is Dave from Carbon.

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2007-11-16T02:54:00.001-08:00

God I am pissed off. The M25 has message boards saying how long it's gonna take to get from one point to another a particular junction. It said there was a 15 mins delay but a preceding on the journey some boards had no message and some gave information that was in the system with the last poll. So I thought I'd suffer the delay rather than try an alternative. I then spent a bloody hr in the solid traffic. Two days later exactly the bloody same thing happened and I've attempted to try and find a different route but I didn't. This time there was no delay at all. You see the expensive cameras and signs are such a good idea. They need to be bloody accurate the way your traffic reports are hopeless too. Other reports are totally frequent and you end up in traffic by the time the radio reports a problem well the traffic is cleared and you wonder why they report the damn thing in the first place. The hr delay I experienced wasn't reported at all on the radio and not as with the radio when the traffic alarm so pick som(?) most of the local radio reports. These things are bloody useless useless useless useless.

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2007-11-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

Hi I really think it's disgusting Waterloo station has shut the access to the platform, from the underground exit, after 9:20 ___ and there is no really think may stopping you again they only do is find that the gates are locked with a little bit of plastic, thanks bye.

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2007-11-15T07:45:00.001-08:00

Why the hell are you driving Stuart's always talk like training gavards(?). Don't understand it. Yeah ok bye.

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2007-11-14T10:36:00.001-08:00

Why is it so expensive to travel by train. When the price goes up why in the case of Beckensville(?) Station does the car park charge. Things go up at the same time. I think the public needs a full explanation of increases. It is a shame I do not a magic dog flap like the Labrador puppy in the new collection of children's stories Nobby Travels. Nobby always arrives on time. Check him out at www.nobbytravels.com.

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2007-11-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Are you bloody trained, are you useless? Bye.

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Blue plaque honours hero who put Teddington on the map

2007-11-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

Who taught the guards to speak like Ryan Air stewards

2007-11-09T02:57:00.000-08:00

“Good Morning, my name is Barry, and I’ll be constantly invading your privacy with a series of loudspeaker announcements.”

Today’s question is;

Who decided that rail guards have to speak like air stewards?

Is there a european diktat that anyone in the travel industry Has to speak [pause] in a singsong accent

Do they train them to speak like that?

Or is a trendy affectation that’s caught on amongst the guards?

Have you noticed that the drivers don’t do this?

In fact, they maintain a dignified silence throughout the journey, even when you’d love them to explain why you’ve been stuck in a tunnel for half an hour.

That’s the problem with most Guards. They never tell you what you need to know.

As a breed, they’re like those people you meet at parties, who only like the sound of their own voice. When they’re not talking, they’re not listening to you. They’re just thinking what they’re going to say next.

Welcome to Brutish Rail.

2007-10-25T02:15:00.000-07:00

Hey, aren't the railways just great?

They say life is a journey. And on British Railways, our lives seem to last longer than ever.

Our journeys have never been so varied and unpredictable.

We are so lucky to live in a country that provides a railway experience that is so life affirming.

Many is the time that I've emerged from the ticket barrier at Waterloo station, thinking how lucky I am to be alive.

Remember, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And there are plenty of challenges facing us along our journey, that could make or break us. We should be so grateful for everything that comes our way. be it a mugger, a care in the community psychopath or just a plain old fatal train crash caused by corporate negligence.

They make us what we are today. And if you are miserable, well I'm sorry, but that's your fault.

We have a railway system in this country that is the envy of the world.

So let's celebrate it.

It's great that they can find work for refugees from justice

2007-10-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hats off to Brutish Rail for its recruitment policy.

Who else would employ a retired Serbian warlord as a ticket inspector?